When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
