no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
