I heard we made out
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Randomize
