I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I think my nap took me to another dimension
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Randomize
