I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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