fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
