he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
