Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Come see our sink grown plant.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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