I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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