my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
A bitchslap is in order.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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