By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
