do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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