I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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