OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
