It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
