I haven't been this sober since birth.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Randomize
