Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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