It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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