when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
