I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
