Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
