Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
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