He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Randomize
