I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
