I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Someone shattered a urinal.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
