Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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