Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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