he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
