My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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