theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
