so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
