I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
