Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I have fence marks all over my body
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
