I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
