It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
A bitchslap is in order.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
