We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
