She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
