When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
