whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
