it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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