I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
