At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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