I think scott just propositioned me for sex
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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