He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
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