i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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