May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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