Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
