When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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