I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
