don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
