do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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