I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
there is another microwave in the elevator.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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