we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
