I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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